100 Funny Quotes and Sayings about Women (2019 Update with Images)

Women are intriguing creatures, but the things that people can state about them can make men seem nearly alien. These are some of my all time favorite funny quotes about women, they are not meant to “make fun” of a woman in a mean way! You can use to tease her a little and make her enjoy time with you. I hope to enjoy them!Funny Quotes about Women: “I have enough clothes and shoes, I don’t need to go shopping”… said no woman ever!

The Funniest Quotes for Women

  • Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
  • There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
  • A Frenchwoman, when double crossed, will kill her rival; the Italian woman would rather kill her deceitful lover; the Englishwoman simply breaks off relations but they all will console themselves with another man.
  • I’m a woman.. I’m smart. I never lose an argument. I can cook. I like to read fashion magazines. I love to be right. Men don’t understand us. We must have secret powers, because I don’t understand us, either.

Funny Quotes about Women: There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

  • It is very difficult to tell a woman where you’re planning to go. Cos it’s difficult to answer the rest.. WHERE?. WHEN? and FOR WHAT PURPOSE?. And then come the worst “I WOULD LIKE TO JOIN?”
  • God did it on purpose so that we may love you men instead of laughing at you. – By Mrs Patrick Campbell, in reply to a male acquaintance who asked why women seem to have no sense of humor.
  • Despite my thirty years of research into the woman soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want? – By Sigmund Freud
  • If you see a nice man with great personality, good dressings, nice and high morals and character. What you call him? Yes, a gentle man! Have you ever meet a gentle woman???
  • If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty six and looks twenty six, she’s damn near forty. – By Chris Rock
  • Happy Women’s Day Wishes
  • Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody know it. – By Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
  • After about 20 years of marriage, I’m finally starting to scratch the surface of that one. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate. – By Mel Gibson, about what women want

 

  • Don’t argue! You cannot win. You cannot beat a woman in an argument. It’s impossible. You will not win. Cause, men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense
  • As powerful as inspirational quotes can be, occasionally we just need a bit of humor to brighten up our day. Get to know about a woman’s nature with these funny quotes and sayings about women.
  • Women’s Day Messages
  • A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking. – By Malcolm de Chazal, Mauritian Writer
  • I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships. – By Gilda Radner
  • Men socialize by insulting one another, but they don’t really mean it. Women socialize by complimenting one another… But they don’t really mean it, either.
  • I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It’s the good girls men should be warned against.
  • From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 15 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away. – By Raymond Chandler

 

Hilarious Quotes About Women

  • Men are generally more law- By abiding than women. Women have the feeling that since they didn’t make the rules, the rules have nothing to do with them.
  • A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species. – By Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
  • All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men. – By Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
  • Men will spend 2 dollars on a 1 dollar item that they desperately need. Women will spend 1 dollar on a 2 dollar item that they don’t need at all.
  • Curve: The loveliest distance between two points. – By Mae West
  • Man has will; but woman has her way. – By Oliver Wendell Holmes
  • A woman should soften but not weaken a man. – By Sigmund Freud
  • Famous Quotes about Women
  • For most of history, Anonymous was a woman – By Virginia Woolf
  • Men are from Mars, women are from Venus; ex’s are from Uranus.
  • If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
  • Men are from mars, women are from “Do I look fat in these?”.
  • A woman wears her tears like jewelry. – By Author Unknown
  • A man may be right or wrong…but a woman is always right.
  • Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
  • I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
  • In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on woman. – By Nancy Astor, My Two Countries
  • I love women. They’re the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that’s fine. – By Mel Gibson
  • A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

Funny Quotes about Women: I need a hug or a Chanel Bag

  • How to find a wife… Step 1 of 2: Find a woman you like now but you know you’re going to hate in 5 or less years. Give her your house.
  • I have an idea that the phrase weaker sex was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm. – By Ogden Nash
  • Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. And they are both disappointed.
  • I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. – By Joan Rivers
  • Fake hair, fake nails, fake eye lash, artificial face and sometimes fake behavior, yet a woman will say she needs a real man.
  • How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
  • A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. – By Chauncey Mitchell Depew
  • Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
  • Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right – By instantly. – By Sam Slick (Thomas Chandler Haliburton)
  • I prefer the word homemaker, because housewife always implies that there may be a wife someplace else. – By Bella Abzug
  • A woman is like a tea bag – By you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water. – By Eleanor Roosevelt
  • Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.

Funny Quotes about Women: A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.

Funny Sayings about Women

  • Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
  • As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. – By Oscar Wilde
  • God made women beautiful and foolish,….beautiful that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him.
  • I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance – By- By a sharp, vindictive glance.
  • A women may be misinformed, mislead, unclear, misguided, and even downright stupid… but she is never ever wrong.
  • If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… Just couple of nations not talking with each other.
  • Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell. – By Alfred Lord Tennyson
  • Is the reason we have so few female politicians that it would take too long to put make up on their two faces.
  • Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away. – By Laurence J. Peter
  • Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.
  • Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak. – By William Shakespeare, As You Like It
  • It doesn’t matter how attractive someone is when you marry, even a white cat is black in the dark.
  • Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. – By Nicole Hollander
  • Don’t give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can’t wear in the evening.
  • High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. – By Christopher Morley

Funny Quotes about Women: If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

  • Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman’s weapon is her tongue. – By Hermione Gingold
  • If a woman tells you that she is single by choice, it’s probably because no one has chosen her.
  • If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. – By Aristotle Onassis
  • Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
  • I hate women because they always know where things are. – By James Thurber, American Humorist
  • I hope that you all enjoyed these funny, interesting and incredibly true quotes about women!
  • A cosmetic is a boon to every woman, but a girl’s best friend is still a near sighted man.
  • A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction. – By Oscar Wilde
  • Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. – By Friedrich Nietzsche
  • Men will always delight in a woman whose voice is lined with velvet. – By Brendan Francis
  • Cosmetics are a boon to every woman, but a girl’s best friend is still a nearsighted man.
  • A man gives many question marks, however, a woman is a whole mystery. – By Diana Sturm
  • A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – By That’s because she changes it more often.
  • I married beneath me – all women do. – By Nancy Astor, speech, Oldham, England, 1951
  • A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. – By Arnold Haultain
  • A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. – By Groucho Marx

Funny Quotes about Women: Don't try to understand women. Women understand a woman that’s why they hate each other.

  • I would rather trust a woman’s instinct than a man’s reason. – By Stanley Baldwin
  • God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam.
  • I don’t get why girls go to college, you don’t need a degree to make a sandwich.
  • Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world. – By Marilyn Monroe.
  • It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. – By Mignon McLaughlin
  • A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.
  • If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable.
  • Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. – By George Carlin
  • All girls can be intelligent..you just gotta act stupid in front of them.
  • Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he’s in love with her.

 

  • A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. (Double Dynamite)
  • I never argue now with a woman, I just take my beating like a man.
  • A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  • I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
  • I don’t condone wife beating, but I understand it!
  • A wise man once said “I don’t know, ask a girl.”
  • I am the boss in this house my wife told me so.
  • How to turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her.
  • Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.
  • Americans like fat books and thin women.
  • I like my whisky old and my women young.
  • Don’t judge a woman from 100 feet away.

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